"My father always warned me that the insect world was the bearer of bad omens. If you had ants in your kitchen, winter was gonna be hard. If flies walked on the ceiling above your head, nothin’ would grow in your garden. If earwigs got in the laundry, there’d be a death in the family.

“Over the years I’ve picked up on a few more warnin’ signs from those six-legged scamps. Let me tell ya, had I been payin’ attention, my home life might’ve been a mite happier. And that’s why I figure it’s my duty to tell folks what to be lookin’ out for . . . just in case.

“When spiders build a web next to your bed, a dark family secret will be uncovered.

“Number three heard I was steppin’ out with her twin sister. Truth be told, I was only consoling her after the loss of her favorite songbird. She really loved that little chickadee, so the ol’ girl was in need of a lot o’ hand holdin’.”

“When your home is overrun by weevils, there will be a great loss in your family.

“My first wife caught wind that I’d lost our nest egg at the track. If I’d doubled our money, she’d never have left.”

“If a mess o’ mites nest in your mailbox, your wife will discover that she is unable to conceive.

“My last wife, who was considerably younger’n me, refused her favors after seein’ my dentures in a glass by the bed.”

“When Hemlock Loopers eat up the conifers in your backyard, your life will be in danger.

“My new girlfriend don’t like me comin’ home all hours with my drinkin’ buddies singin’ at the top of our lungs. Good thing she can’t aim worth a darn.”

“I recommend you keep your eyes open when bad things happen. I bet there’s a bug out there somewhere you can blame for your bad fortune."