"When I’s born, my father took one look at the webbin’ ‘tween my toes and said, ‘this one’s a swimmah.’ He was right, too. I took to the water like a smelt. Even thought about tryin’ out for the Olympics one time. Just couldn’t imagine myself treadin’ water . . . indoors. After all, took me 20 years to get used to the idea of an indoor toilet.

“Anyway, some time ‘round 1971, I met this young man name John. He’d heard tales of my swimmin’ ability and come to ask if I’d teach him a trick or three. John was only 16, a spindly cuss, with an easy smile, and the most spectacular head of wavy hair you’ve ever seen. That John, he had some silver tongue on him, too. He could talk a worm onto a hook. Why, to this day, I still can’t remember why I agreed to be his swim coach.

“Well sir, I taught John every move I knew–the backstroke, breaststroke, the Kenduskeag crawl, the blackfly flutter, and even the Maine coon paddle. Unfortunately, I couldn’t help the boy with his speed. He was slower than a mud roach. Slower than a moose in a snowdrift. Slower than a tick in molasses. I’m telling you, the boy was some ol’ slow. I had me an idea though, it come from somethin’ I’d read in the papers. Seems there were some Olympic swimmahs usin’ hair removal cream to make their bodies smooth as an eel. They claimed bein’ hairless made ‘em swim fastah, so I picked up some that cream for John.

“Don’t think the boy took to the idea right at first, but he was bound and determined to be a good swimmah. Probably keen to catch the eye of some skirt up the high school, too. Whatever the reason, John up and removed every strand o’ hair, stem to stern. And I’ll be darned if it didn’t give the boy some zip. In fact, there were times he looked like a cannonball bein’ propelled from one bank to ‘nother.

“Well sir, John became a champion swimmah, trophies, ribbons, and all, but due to a side effect from prolonged use of the depilatory, his glorious head of hair never completely grew back. And the worst of it was that his chums up the high school took to pokin’ fun at his permanently chromed dome. Should’ve seen it comin’, I guess, can’t expect to go around hairless with a last name like “Bald”-acci and not expect a fair bit o’ teasin’."