"I reckon my dog Salty’s about the smartest blue tick hound ever lived. Could see the spark in him on the day he was born. He was runt of the litter, bug ugly, and he had him a forehead big as a butter plate. Don’t know if you ever heard this ‘afore, but some say those born with big foreheads are wicked smart. Well, I’m here to tell you, in the case of my dog Salty, it’s a fact.

“The mornin’ I seen him readin’ the Sund’y funnies, that was when I first caught on to just how smart that pooch was. While the other pups used the newspaper on the floor for piddlin’, Salty stood there gawkin’ at the comics. Looked like his funnybone was gettin’ tickled too, what with his tail wagglin’ a mile a minute.

“Wunt long after that, Salty took to fetchin’ the paper from the front porch and pawin’ on articles he wanted me to read. Got to where I’s readin’ the Bangor Daily out loud to him every morning—right down to them jo-jeezly classifieds. He’d even follow me into the bathroom and whine till I finished readin’ the article. I imagine that’s how Salty figured how to use a toilet.

“‘Course I had to remind him a few times ‘afore he ‘membered to flush, but I never had to take him outdoors after that. Now days, he don’t even need me to read to him. He just takes the sports section into the john and shuts the door for privacy.

“Ayuh, Salty’s smart all right, but he ain’t like most other dogs when it comes to huntin’. Never cared much for all the runnin’ an’ howlin’ an’ carryin’ on. But like I said, Salty’s some smart. He can load a rifle, bait a hook, and start a campfire good as any man. Takes him a mite longer to do such things without no thumbs, but he’s damn impressive.

“In hindsight, over the years, I probably pampered Salty a little more than I should’ve. As he’s got older, he’s got cranky. And he don’t suffer no fools, neither. These days he growls when someone mispronounces a word. Bares teeth whenever talk turns to taxes, politics, religion, or vegetarians. Out and out howls if I change the channel on him. But t’day, that flop-eared know-it-all got taken down a peg or three.

“See, earlier, Salty caught them Savage boys from down the road stealin’ tomatoes from my garden, so he fired off a few warnin’ shots. He could’ve barked and chased after ‘em, but no, he was too smart for that.

“Well sir, when word got back that my deranged dog had gone gun happy, Louise Savage started raisin’ a fuss. Just an hour ago, Sheriff showed up to issue a court summons for that prideful mutt. Salty’s locked himself in the bathroom and he’s readin’ over it right now."